Lovestruck (introduction to a longer story)
- Posted on February 14, 2017
- in Uncategorized
- by caseyshuniak@gmail.com
Emma shuddered, knowing what she had to do and why. Like the times before, she started by writing exactly what she wanted to say:
“They’re still trying to figure out how to market this thing to the general public. Every attempt (3 or maybe 4 so far) has been abysmal. Heads rolled.”
“The general population is far from letting The Matrix speak with their own voices. When you tell people about this sort of shit, they immediately think of Big Brother in George Orwell’s 1984. What they don’t fucking realize is that Big Brother’s country of Oceania didn’t just stumble upon the world they lived in. They collectively set out to build it… and building something that could be that oppressive and that invasive, well — truthfully? — Remember Winston’s job, constantly altering the history? Did you ever wonder why he didn’t just stop?…. And you know, if the telescreens that Orwell invented were anything like the smartphone cameras today… shit, do you have any idea how easy your cameras are to hack??? …This is all besides the point…”
This is just rambling… She took a deep breath. Maybe she could explain everything…?
“… When it comes to Big Brother, the reality is this: Whatever ‘they’ can do, ultimately so can any ‘we’… Just remember that and try to keep an open mind, will you please? No one’s out to get you, for Christ’s sake. Please don’t turn out to be a fucking luddite…. I need this job right now….”
“We named it Lovestruck. Lovestruck is comprised of a number of interplaying analytics, responsible for ‘feeling out’ three general, overlapping areas of human interaction. The first is language, only the English language for now, including several hundred thousand idioms, insults, and terms of endearment. Almost all of these addendums are in TXT LNGO. It’s just the way of the world, you could say.”
“The second is SPP: Substantial Precedents Patterns. Have you ever been grocery shopping, and either Google or Siri reminded you to pick up an ingredient if you were planning to make some recipe bookmarked days before? That’s basically the idea behind SPP, basically how Lovestruck makes use of someone’s pre-patts.”
“Let’s say a friend or yours always logs onto SheSaid every Tuesday evening. Maybe there are other logins too, maybe even some pattern to those as well, but for the moment only the routine on Tuesday evenings matters in the analysis: Lovestruck has locked into a singular, undeniable pattern of human behavior. Next it will comb through everything that happened in the last two hours. It’s figuring out what’s going on with her when she logs in every Tuesday evening.”
“Did she just get home from work? Good, but that’s not the whole story. What makes Tuesdays so special? What did she do on the ride home from work? Does she drive? Ok then. Does she stop anywhere? Not as consistently as her online behavior, so that’s out. What is she doing in the car? … Bingo.”
“She subscribes to a romance series podcast that releases new episodes on Tuesdays. If we dig deeper into her weekly pre-patts, we’d eventually strengthen this data validation. Perhaps she talks to her mother within thirty minutes of each download’s timestamp, or clicks through her ex’s vacation pictures around 82.34% of the time. Everything over 80% is always configured.”
“Finally, Lovestruck tries to answer the questions that mothers and best friends and exes are wondering. The things we’re actually interested in. But in a much more no-nonsense way.”
“Is she happy or sad? Is she finding what she’s looking for week after week? Where’s the meaning in her life? What’s she going to do next?”
“How can this help us to know her? Not simply to understand how… how we…. but…?”
Emma almost had it that time….
“What emotions triggered the behavior? How does she feel about it later? And what is she most likely going to do because of it? Lovestruck’s projections are better answers on the human condition than any other source in history. It’ll know you better than your own mother.”
…… where was I?…….
“The point is this: as complicating and mysterious as we seem to each other at times, we really aren’t even close to being the unique, independent beings we’ve imagined ourselves to be. Truthfully, we’re creatures of numbingly predictable habits, even the spontaneous and creative bits. It all stems from somewhere, someone, something we’re connected to. But don’t let that take any of the magic away! You are always yourself, and no one is as you are.”
“I should repeat that: You are always yourself, and no one is as you are…”
“So why am I telling you all this? Why YOU? Actually this is part of my job, locating and reaching out to people like yourself with a friendly ‘How do YOU do there?! Your new friends with SheSaid, Ltd. don’t want to lose your business… But (and to be clear this is far from my favorite duty, to be honest I think wrangling the outliers is an incredibly weird, invasive procedure) you are one of the 1 in 3.75 million people that Lovestruck’s algorithm has failed to map.”
“Just consider me your personal profile wingman. You’ll get your own private assistant, and our company gets to figure out who the hell you are, and why you broke our fancy machine.’”
* * *
Once that was finally out of her, Emma deleted everything and wrote the following:
Hello Rachel C. Keegan!
You have one of the top-ranking profiles on our site! Congratulations!
Thanks for helping SheSaid.com become the hottest lesbian social site for the women in your local community! You’re quite the trendsetter, aren’t you? 😉
How would you like to join us at the LesTech 2016 Gala in Miami? It’s on us!
Pack your sandals, chica!! Someone from our team will contact you in a day or two with more details…
Best regards,
Emma Pruitt
Marketing & DevOps Consultant
She Said, Ltd., a Pavillson-Hewet, Inc. subsidiary